


Another day

by evilleaper



Series: Twilight [2]
Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 09:20:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5621923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilleaper/pseuds/evilleaper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Malcolm pays Jonathan yet another visit. This time realising that something needs to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another day

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Sadly, Jon and Malcolm are the property of Paramount. No disrespect or infringement to copyright is intended. 
> 
> Authors Notes: This story is set in the same universe as “Today and days like it”. Once again the story is told from Malcolm’s point of view and is based on the season 3, episode Twilight. Slight artistic licence. Please keep in mind that it contains Australian spelling and is unbetaed. If you find a mistake, please feel free to point it out to me.

Jonathan’s hair is almost completely grey. It darkens a little when it’s damp, which it is now. Exertion and the lack of environmental control the likes of what we once enjoyed on-board Enterprise make the thinning strands cling to the side of his head, giving him a more youthful appearance and reminding me of a time many years ago. For the most part the tawny brown I remember from when we first met is long gone. I miss it, but I miss a lot of things and I can’t say that I don’t find the grey attractive, because I do.

I thread my fingers through the sweat soaked tresses moulding themselves to his scalp; delighting in the sounds of satisfaction he makes as I massage the area under my hand. I could stay like this forever, but I know we haven’t got that long before the reality of our lives intervenes once more. 

I press a kiss to Jonathan’s shoulder then roll over to reposition myself; fitting one leg between his I run my free hand over his chest, toying briefly with the equally damp hair there. He has his eyes closed, fair lashes fanned out against his too thin cheeks, but he smiles as he catches my hand in his.

“It tickles.” He informs me, and I still my ministrations, squeezing his hand briefly before withdrawing just enough to settle alongside him.

For a few minutes we simply lay quietly amongst the now soiled sheets on Jonathan’s bed. The residue on our bodies slowly but surely scenting his room with the heady reminder of what we have just shared. 

I sigh. It’s been a long day and while neither of us is getting any younger it is the former captain of the Enterprise who seems to have taken the greater toll of the years we have lived together and apart. 

I know he’s tired. Our most recent activities coupled with the stress of the day challenging his resilience more than I had anticipated.

My transport had been delayed this morning which has subsequently cast our usual schedule into complete disarray. After arriving almost four hours late I was relieved that my tardiness hadn’t caused too much of a disruption to Jonathan’s routine and to find that my welcome was as warm as ever. Of course something had to give. There has been none of our customary slow dance toward intimacy. He had sent T’pol on her errands the moment I appeared at their door; taking me in his arms not long after and kissing me in a way that made my knees weak and my heart soar with pride.

Everything, I ponder has been somewhat rushed. Not that I’m complaining, but I guess it is not surprising that we are both still a little out of breath.

Twenty years have passed since Jonathan became unwell and he moved here with T’pol. It was the best decision I reflect. I had wanted to take care of him myself, but it wasn’t possible. Starfleet needed as many able bodies are possible and I couldn’t turn my back on what remained of Earth. Things are different now of course, there appears to be no shortage of young men and women ready to take up the cause and fight for our ongoing existence. 

I note Jonathan’s breathing calm and then level out as we continue to lie together. Content for the first time in weeks. He is unusually quiet though and I turn to regard him through the fading light of yet another day spent on Ceti Alpha V. It doesn’t take long for me to grasp what has occurred and while I am not surprised that he has fallen asleep my stomach sinks and I find myself feeling decidedly deflated. Our time together is always short, but this occasion has been far too brief, even by our standards. 

My visits over the last twelve months have been haphazard at best. Changes within the coalition of planets have meant that the ship and her crew are required more often to attend to the outer reaches of our colonies. There never seems to be enough time to get away anymore, and always something that needs attention. As such I have left Jonathan’s care entirely to T’pol, expecting her to simply carry on and make decisions for him in my absence. I have also; I realise, not made my own needs a priority for a very long time. I sigh again. It is my own fault. Still acknowledging my part in this does not stop my disappointment or alleviate my self-recrimination. I roll on my side, being mindful not to disturb him and then prop myself up to see him better. 

He looks very peaceful and although I know I should just get up and leave -- allow him his rest, I am of two minds. Throughout the years we have known each other I have never watched Jonathan sleep and despite our circumstances, having the opportunity to do so now feels like a rare privilege, one I am not ready to forsake just yet. The slow rise and fall of his chest is hypnotic in its own way; a sure sign of his own contentment, and of life I remind myself. The mere sight of him, sated and relaxed is too much to ignore, or not bask in for as long as I can. A simple pleasure when our lives scarcely allows for such things.

There was a time, years ago now when I used to fantasise about doing exactly this, never mind the life I imagined we would have together, working side by side and the private moments we would share when it was just the two of us. None of what I had envisioned for Jonathan and I has come to fruition however and the painful truth brings with it a sadness and grief that I find hard to reconcile, even after all these years. 

Long forgotten hopes and dreams rise without invitation or warning and I have to fight the sudden urge to wake Jonathan up. Take him in my arms once more and tell him how much I love him. I don’t know what it would do to him though; if he would remember why I was here or what we have shared today? The last thing I want is to frighten or confuse him, but I miss him so much sometimes that it’s almost as if missing him is all we have now. 

I know it’s not good enough. We both deserve better. I have spent the last three decades as a Starfleet officer, the last two defending what remains of Earth and its many people when all I have ever wanted was to serve and protect the man currently sleeping beside me. Jonathan is a good man, the best I have ever known, but the Xindi attack and his accident changed everything. Both incidents hindering our chance at happiness. Each playing their unique role in keeping us a part. 

Something occurs to me as I watch him sleep. I am not sure what prompts it is exactly, if it has to do with seeing Jonathan again after so many weeks of being separated from him or if I have finally come to my senses.  
I know I can’t change the past, but just maybe it’s not too late to alter the future. 

I think once more about the young men and women eagerly awaiting their chance to step up and find their own place in the ongoing battle to save our species and countless others affected by the Xindi. I have played my part, performed by duties, never shirking my responsibilities, but perhaps it is time to let some else take command of my ship. 

My last thought brings me up short and I pull back; surprising even myself as my idea take shape. Jonathan stirs, but does not wake as I carefully extract myself from his side to stand for a moment by the bed. There is a storm coming and I shiver as I stare down at him. I am under no delusion. My decision will have consequences and it won’t be easy, least of all for the man blissfully unaware of it, but if I am to give us any chance at the happiness I once imagined for us I know I need to try. 

Gathering my clothing from the floor I exit the small room and then use the bungalows only bathroom to clean up. T’pol returns an hour later to find me alone; her dark eyes immediately scanning the room for Jonathan. 

“He’s sleeping,” I inform her. 

There is no sign to suggest that she thought anything nefarious had occurred while she was away, but I do note an air of relief as she divests herself of her cloak and then comes to sit with me. Her continued diligence for her one and only charge is admirable, but if my plan is to work I will need her help. 

I steel myself for the conversation ahead. “I’m going to retire my commission,” I tell her.

The end (for now).


End file.
